I feel like Henry and I have passed the newbie stage. It felt like it was coming, but some things have happened and I’ve noticed things that seem to tell me this very thing. It feels pretty definitive. But that’s not to say that we aren’t still learning and growing. So what are we called now? I don’t feel like we could be called “long-timer” and we’re far from “experts”. I suppose we are still novices in some ways, but I feel like there should be a name for this stage. Toddlerhood sounds so juvenile, but that’s kind of what it feels like, at least in some regard. Like we still fall down while we’re learning to walk, but our bearings are pretty good and we aren’t crawling anymore. Maybe Hermoine might suggest we are Third Years – like in Harry Potter? I don’t really need a name, but it’s more the stage that we’re at that I’m trying to figure out. Maybe that might help in some way, to figure out our growing pains and move onward. (dunno)
It’s nice in some ways to hit milestones. I love to see my kids grow and change, but at the same time I become sentimental and even a little sad, especially when it’s my youngest child who hits one of those.
Kay Lynn (An Externally Motivated Wife) wrote in a recent post about her son Ben leaving the nest: Wrap Me in Yellow Caution Ribbon. That kind of thing touches my heart. I have all of my babies at home right now, but it won’t be long before I experience that same feeling of being happy and proud, coupled with sadness and sentimentality that they are really flying the coop, even if he may fly home again soon after that. And I feel this way too about not being a newbie any more. Maybe that’s silly. I don’t know why I feel that way. Maybe it’s you Milly.
You see, Milly and her husband are just beginning Dd. She’s left some very nice comments and we’ve exchanged some e-mail. She’s asked me for advice, and while I don’t know in what way exactly that’s helped her, it kind of floors me that *I* am the one giving advice rather than seeking it.
Two years ago, H and I took the step to change our marriage and embrace Dd to guide us to some new ways of interacting and understanding one another. Not long after we took that step together, I also began my blog.
Many blogs are written as journals or how to guides. I thought of mine as a little bit of both. I knew that there wasn’t enough information for folks who wanted to learn Dd (yes, there’s LOTS of great information but there’s never enough when you’re learning-lol, right Milly?), and I hoped that one day my blog might help some of them. I tried to chronicle the steps as best as I could, so that others could relate and discover what they might have to work through if they took that step themselves. I thought, if they could relate to H and I, and how we worked through some of our Dd difficulties, that might help them in some way.
There are other blogs that do it better than I, but I like to think that BDP is a good addition to that wonderful stock. As Sara at Finding Sara says, “Dd ain’t for sissies”. And with the Superbowl fast approaching, it occurred to me that getting ready to tackle something like a big change to your marriage, is maybe like those football players who are getting themselves primed and pumped for the big game. You can’t be a sissie if you want to tackle the issues that a married couple needs to tackle either. And *practices* and *learning plays* are going to be really important to The Big Game. Of course, everyone’s struggles will be different, and they may even come in a completely different order, but if blogs can give them some idea of what to expect, and maybe offer encouragement and optimism that those changes will eventually come their way, AND if they understand just what kind of hard work is involved, then this is a positive thing that we bloggers have contributed to society. Isn’t it?
So, for Milly and her husband, who are just starting out (and any readers like them) plus anyone who is contemplating beginning Dd soon, I wanted to offer some advice that I always kept in mind in the beginning of Dd and blogging. I would like to invite my regular readers to offer up *their own advice* to anyone beginning such a big change- just leave yours in a comment. I know that Milly and her husband are very hungry for advice, and Milly tells me that she’s thinking of starting her own blog. I know that everyone here would welcome her with open arms to this blogging communitty.
Advice for Newbies (see comments also)
1) Embrace Newbie Status – It’s good to be a newbie. We’ve all been there and can understand your trepidation, as well as your anxiousness and fear of making mistakes. But *do* enjoy *not knowing* everything. It will keep you open minded enough to ask questions and discover new possibilities. *You don’t know what you don’t know*, so try to get comfortable asking. Finding a good mentor might help, and there is no shortage of bloggers willing to lend a helping hand. Simply ask, or keep in touch.
2) Don’t Rush -This *really* should *never* feel like an Olympic swim. Please don’t try to rush things along. It takes time for adjustments. Your partner may in fact *not move along* as quickly as you do, and you may then need to wait for them to catch up with you. This can feel very strange if you are the one supposed to be following your HOH. But you can probably see, now that I said that, that you will always be out in front if you don’t wait for him, right? If he goes ahead, let him, but when he starts to lag, don’t get too discouraged. We’ve all had to do this for some time in the beginning, and it’s par for the course. I can’t speak for the flip side of this scenario, but I would guess that HOH’s like Mick and Kevan need to wait at times too. So they might gently push or pull and then do some waiting themselves. Maybe they will clarify or correct me in the comments. Everyone needs to get used to their roles, and that just takes time.
I think it’s a matter of trying to walk side-by-side as you hold hands. You can only get so far ahead before you’re dragging your partner with you. You want to make sure that you’re still together and not more than an arm’s length away- or is that two arm’s lengths?. And it doesn’t hurt to stop every once in a while and dance a bit as you go. That will make it kind of fun.
3) Have Fun!- I hope that even as you struggle and work at Dd, that you remember to stop and smell the roses. I recall both of us being really floored at how our intimate moments were turned up several notches. We had a rendezvous every chance we could get. To quote one of my commenters, Andrew, “we felt like teenagers”. (Hey Andrew, do you still read here? How’s everything at your house?) This is why you’re doing Dd. Savor the moment! Revel in it! Bathe in the happiness and good times like you were in a hot tub! And then come to a blog and share your good fortune! We love to hear it! Better yet, start your own blog (for free!) and join the gang here! How to start a blog.
4) Have Patience- When you read about the adventures of other bloggers, it’s easy to get caught up in the *When Harry Met Sally trap*. When Sally is finished moaning her fake O for Harry, there is a middle aged lady also in the diner who says to her waitress: “I’ll have what *she’s* having”? We all want that! lol Well, try really hard to have your own unique journey instead. It may resemble another’s for a while, that’s OK, but the grass over on their blog might not be the best variety to grow in your own, you know?
5) Step Back from Blogging – This follows #3 pretty closely. If you find yourself getting upset or envious , or even frustrated that your Dd adventure is not going the way that you thought it would, take a step back from blogging, but keep your focus on all that you’ve learned and are trying to create for your marriage.
Practice what you’ve learned, and remember to focus on your significant other (S.O.) as well as your dominance or submission. I found that when I did this myself (and I still do it occasionally) that I felt more calm, more focused and better able to be the submissive partner that my husband wants and needs and that I wanted to be *for* him. I was also more in tune with the things that he *was* doing for me and for our marriage, instead of noticing that he didn’t happen to do what Jane Doe’s husband was doing at the time.
If you’re spending a lot of energy on procuring something to blog about, then maybe you need a new perspective.
Ask yourself,
*Do we practice Dd so that I can brag about it on my blog?* (not that we don’t all brag, we do! It just shouldn’t be driving you forward IMO.)
*Is what I’m doing in my real life enhancing our marriage ?*
*Am I giving my partner the things that he expects of me, or am I more focused on what my blog friends think of me, my HOH and our marriage?*
*If something is right for “Jane” and “John Doe”, is it really right for *us*?”*
*Are all of the changes that we’re making in-line with our core values as people and as loving partners?*
*Am I a part of the plan, or part of the problem?*
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Prologue
If I left this post in my drafts for a while, I may be able to come up with some others. But I’ll let my readers add some of their own. And *do* say hello to Milly and her husband as I know she is very anxious to meet all of you too!
All good advice. And congrats to you and Henry.
Thanks so much GG!
I am a newbie with DD. First year newbie. And it seems that most times I read someone else’s blog, I learn a little or I am reminded of something. Your blog today was really helpful. Your advice wasn’t just good for beginners but good for all. My husband I are struggling with DD. Old habits can be so hard to break. And lack of privacy from the children also makes it difficult. But you are right; I do need to focus on my spouse, maybe stop reading all the other blogs for awhile so I am not comparing. And most important, we have to focus on the good so we don’t go back to the bad. Thanks for the reminders and the help.
Blondie, thanks so much for the compliment. These are things that I worked at for myself. I had to be my own guide, and I recall these things helping me quite a bit. The struggles can be soo overwhelming, and I sometimes found myself sitting at my laptop hoping for some wisdom to come to me. Surprisingly, some of my best revelations came to me when I walked away from the blogs and laptop for a while. You have all of the knowledge that you had b4, but you think on it differently.
If the old habits you talk about here are like the ones we have struggled with, I can tell you for sure, that this was a real issue lately. I am working on a post, but we are still working through this and a few other things, but coming from where you and I are coming from- makes things dicey in Dd. I think part of it is that our guys are just wired for sex, to put it bluntly. Talking, listening and waiting. This has helped me quite a bit- earlier in my struggles, but even more so lately.
And yes, walk away for a bit. Focus on a change for yourself, without any pressure on your husband. It might help. I do wish you luck, and here’s a big hug too. Those often help as well!
We’ll still be here when you get back!
Maybe the belt system used in karate could apply. You’re well past the white belt (brand new) stage, and after two years, past the orange belt newbie stage, too. Maybe you’re a blue belt. That leaves purple, green, and brown belt stages to move through before you finally become black belt DDers!
As a white belter myself, may I just say I think you are eminently qualified to give advice? You surely have learned a lot in two years, and your awareness of how much you have left to learn keeps you from guiding others wrongly.
Your five rules are terrific. Maybe I’m on a Japanese kick today, but “Embrace Newbie Status” reminds me of what Zen teachers call “Beginner’s Mind”: the ability to see things freshly and accurately, open to all wisdom and experience no matter where you happen to be on your journey. “Don’t Rush”? Yes, certainly. I expected to do a bit of pushing this weekend; as it happened, the the time and circumstances were not quite right for that, and I let it go. A better time *will* come along.
I had to laugh at your suggestion that it might not be best to take some sort of DD action in order to brag about it on the blog. I can see the temptation! In my case, having a blog helped me go outside my comfort zone, but only when I knew what I had to do. This circle of DD bloggers is a great support group, a group we can report to and get support from. But we’re not here to impress each other. One of the reasons I feel comfortable here is that I feel like everyone knows that. If I were to brag, I’d be caught out soon enough.
This is a fine post, Elysia, and it deserves to become one of your most popular. Thanks for putting it together as you earn your next belt.
Wait, that’s not what I meant…
Kevan, the belt system is such a great idea, and so appropriate to Dd, lol!
I guess we won’t really know until we feel we are in black belt territory and look back.
That makes sense too that perhaps H and I are another belt color. I’m not sure if blue is right, as you were likely being kind.
But what I was trying to say, which you picked up on so well, is we do not feel that we are black belts at all. We’ve just reached another step of learning, and we are navigating as b4 with different issues. I don’t want to scare anyone away from pursuing that next belt, but I don’t think anyone should think that they will be done with difficulties after doing Dd for 2 years. The problems are not insurmountable, and there is experience behind you, so that you are more prepared to face and tackle those difficulties. So when I write about the difficulties that Henry and I are having, (yes, yes, it’s coming!) it doesn’t mean that we aren’t doing things right, or we should give up. It just means we are ready to address more challenging things.
I think your “Japanese kick” fits really well here. “The Beginner’s Mind” is exactly what I meant, and no doubt picked up “somewhere”. I have had it in my head since I was rather young. But when we started Dd (which was daunting) and then I blogged, I was almost offended by the terminology. I hope that all who read here know, that being a newbie does not mean that you don’t have a valid opinion, and that you shouldn’t let being called a newbie change your own self worth or feel that anyone is putting you down in anyway.
For some, especially if they hold a high ranking status in the outside world, find it hard to label themselves as a beginner- at anything. It rankles their self esteem for some reason. I put that aside after a few (what felt like) blows, and finanlly embraced the term, like Blondie above. I really think very highly of how she was able to say it so matter of factly in her comment. “It is what it is”, and you can’t change a status if you call it anything else.
Thanks for sharing with everyone why your blog is quiet lately. You set a fine example by waiting for the right time to move forward. Better for you, better for your marriage, and since you are leading her it’s especially good that you do this for Anne.
I think this line is great ” A better time *will* come along.”
An excellent mantra for us all.
Thanks for swelling my head with your compliment (in the 2nd paragraph), lol! I guess I can give advice from the perspective that I know how to earn a white belt anyway. And hey, it’s *my* blog, lol.
I’ve never earned a belt from H, but you *are* puny. He tested one, and put it aside. It’s just not right for us at this time, or should I say belt level? lol
“Someone” around here should write an implement post. Maybe “someday”, “someone” will.
I like this post Elysia! A full year in, my husband and I still feel very much like newbies at times. We get confused, befuddled and wonder where to even start. At other times we realize we understand a great deal and are over the ‘hump’ of certain issues that used to be a huge negative part of our marriage. We now know how Dd can and does help us.
I think you give some great advice here. While I do a lot of reading myself, my husband does very little and one thing we have done well is figuring out how to listen and learn from others but allowing ourselves our own way, in our own time without feeling any pressure. There’s actually a lot of joy in jumping your own hurdles with your own methods, even if you really screw it up sometimes. We look back and laugh at some of our failures, but hey, they were all ours and a valuable part of the journey. We’re learning how to take good advice and leave the rest and still modify for ‘us’…and it’s sort of fun (in an ouchy sort of way.)
The other point you made that jumped out was about blogging. Some weeks I NEED to write a couple of times because I’m processing so much and blogging helps me work through it. Other times I don’t and have recently learned that it is okay to be quiet for as long as I need to be. Some of the stuff we are going through is simply too personal to throw out there and It’s okay to not try to explain it to the whole blogging community.
Sheesh, I should stop writing a post in your comment section! So, if you happen to read this, welcome Millie! You will find some real wonderful folks out here to walk with you on this journey. Like Elysia has said in many different ways, just remember that it is your journey to take in your own sweet time.
Hi Susie,
Thanks for your welcome! I am really in awe of this whole community, you all seem so supportive to each other. I m sure I will enjoy sharing with you my steps into this wonderful world of DD!
Take care
Milly
Susie, So I’m curious, after a year do you feel that you are past newbie status? I had felt that we past it after a year, but after the second year, looking back, I think we still were newbies in some select ways. That’s just how *I feel*, and there’s nothing set of course. Does it feel that you’re past some markers? Like there is another level that you’re both on?
All that you said in your first paragraph here is such a great summation. It’s no longer about whether Dd will help us, but how we will use it for our mutual benefit.
Thanks for adding to the pool of advice. It’s so true, we *must* laugh at our own mistakes. We learned from them and we own them – that’s a great perspective.
We all get worried about bloggers when they go quiet for a time, but as a blogger who needs her time and space, I feel it’s up to me to set the kind of boundaries that I need. There are a couple of bloggers that I check in with by e-mail – so they don’t worry though. But we *should* let others have their processing time- time to step away and just live it. Glad you agree.
I’m with you on the real personal stuff. BDP is not an open journal either. But I do like to share my spankings, cause I know that others are learning from them.
Thanks for welcoming Milly. I don’t know where she is, but I’m hoping that she’s busy starting her blog. She’ll come back here and be pleasantly surprised.
Hey Milly – surprise!
Thanks Susie, you added great stuff. And my comments have no space limits. I actually love sense of conversation that it adds!
I’d say that in a few ways we are past the newbie status, but only in comparison to where we were a couple months in. We have a good handle on our roles and our basic expectations of each other. We have a sense of how discipline works in terms of p vs m and all the shades in between although I feel like we’ve only just begun our real discovery of what each of us need. In a nutshell, we are more comfortable and less nervous about trying new things without the fear of total failure. We know we can weather some mistakes and we believe in each other. We were extremely cautious in the beginning. We would still very much consider ourselves newbies in the sense that as we grow closer our needs change and we are more open to…well…anything that either of us want to begin to talk about. I consider myself a newbie in embracing and understanding submission and my husband knows what he wants his leadership to look like but often feels like he’s stumbling along. We are just beginning to communicate well and have a long ways to go.
Maybe I would look at the concept of growth in my marriage as sort of cyclical. We will keep revisiting the same topics over and over but in time I trust that we will go deeper and deeper and I hope spend less time getting stuck.
Seriously, as I expect you’d agree with…in those times when I feel like a complete newbie all over again it is so comforting to have women out here who I can talk to and who know how to ask the right questions…which in turn often helps me answer my own questions. Those ah hah, why didn’t I think of that moments are priceless.
You said this so well. And there is another post of mine- after about a year of Dd, that I also thought we were past the newbie stage. And then some things that I thought we were past kept cropping up and I doubted it, but it was hard to define, especially when we were in the midst of it. So that’s why I like Kevan’s idea of the belts. Maybe each year is another year under our belts, lol.
Like you , our communication is in need of more growth, but we are really on the same page in most areas. Thanks for adding all of this Susie.
Hi Elysia
WHAT A WONDERFUL POST!!!
For all us “newbies”, thank you so much for posting such helpful advice. As somebody who is just starting out, the info here is insightful, honest and so illuminating. Just reading all your points, it has really made me think about not just what I am doing, but WHY and I have taken a step back from reading endless other blogs and comparing myself. I don’t think this is particularly helpful and I am slowly learning that there is no rush, no race and we are all different. I am learning too that there is no right or wrong way of practising this complex lifestyle but I really do want to have some fun along the way and figure out a lot about myself and my marriage. Thank you Elysia for saying it as it is, I feel a lot more reassured, less embarrassed and calmer! I do hope you draw some comfort from what you have written here. It proves just how far you and H have come, and you should never lose sight of that. I am thinking of you and know you will come through with flying colours. Take care Milly x
Milly! I’m so glad that you liked it, and I told you all of the other bloggers feel the same as I do! Welcome to Dd, and we’re here to help you out should you need us. But you really need to do so much work on your own, and while reading blogs is great, it’s easy to let them consume you, and unfortunately that has the potential to also bring you down. But being aware is half the battle- and you are!
I love your curiosity. I love your ability to come here and open up to me and to the others. And from what you’ve shared with me about your hubby- you’re both going to do great!
H and I are already better b/c we are working towards the same goal, to work things out for the best of both of us and our marriage.
Come on Milly, we’re all waiting for your first post. When you start your own blog, whenever that is, do come back here and tell us in these comments. I know that my other readers would love to hear about your journey! Good Luck!
First of all, welcome to Milly!
Michael and I certainly fall into the newbie category, it’s been almost 5 months since we embarked on this journey, incorporating DD into our relationship dynamic. I think all of the points you brought up are very important for any newbie, myself included. About patience, I just want to add, it’s important to not only have patience with your spouse, but with yourself as well…which kind of goes hand in hand with not rushing things too. Another thought is that I honestly didn’t realize just how much of a change this would be for us. I mean, I knew it would be huge, but for some reason I didn’t realize just how all encompassing it really is…and I’m still finding that out. It’s pretty amazing really, ttwd…it’s so much harder than I thought it would be, and yet so much more rewarding than I ever could have imagined.
Elysia, this is a wonderful post, thanks for sharing it.
That’s such a good point Grace. We really all can be so hard on ourselves sometimes. It’s good to remember that- great addition!
It’s so true about the changes, isn’t it? And I know from reading your posts that it makes it harder to be apart from him, b/c of the deepening of those feelings. Our vulnerability seems kicked up a notch or ten, doesn’t it?
Thanks for all of the nice things you said Grace. I hope it helps others like us.
Thanks for the advice. I really love your insight and honestly. You site has helped me a lot these passed weeks.
Butterscotch, I’m glad this and other posts on BDP have helped you. That makes me feel great, and I really appreciate you telling me. I read a comment that you wrote on another blog (The Hand of Love?) about how you came up with your name. I LOVE it! You said – “We’re not vanilla, we’re Butterscotch!”
Hi Grace,
Thank you so much for your welcome. I really enjoyed reading your comment and agree that this recent post from Elysia was amazing and so helpful. You are so right about being patient. Unfortunately, this is not my strongest point but I am making an effort to try and slow down a bit and keep things in perspective. Wishing you every happiness . Milly