Dear Strong Man

I hope you don’t think that I forgot about you.

In the comments section of my post  How Hard it was to Learn Dd, Strong Man wrote the following comment;

Isn’t that true with so many things in life? It takes time, persistence and practice.

I appreciate your concluding comment: “It is so worth it.” Could you expand on that? How? What has changed for the better and why? Which of those benefits would apply if you were not turned on by spanking? That would probably be worth another post, since you’re the one getting the sore bottom, many people wonder how it helps you.

It will be my pleasure to answer you now Strong Man. My apologies for the delay.

1) “It is so worth it” (expanded version)

“It”, meaning the hard work, the patience and the sacrifices that Henry and I made to establish the changes necessary for our Dd lifestyle. I knew in the beginning that there would be challenges and difficulties ahead. This, I was able to ascertain  from reading  Dd  blogs, as well as many posts on TIH and a Dd forum.

I’ve written about our journey to some extent on my blog, but I can’t say that I wrote about every incident or fully conveyed the sometimes very emotional angst, as I am not very good at public complaining. Oft times, I kept my pity party to myself or wrote in e-mail to sympathetic and supportive friends.  But if you read around the blogs, you will learn how difficult it can be to communicate your needs as either a submissive wife or a dominant husband to someone who is not quite as well read on the subject, by someone,  I mean your significant other. 

There is a blissfulness about my relationship with my husband now. We are more in tune with one another. We understand each other in new and exciting ways. Our love feels deeper and more committed compared to pre- Dd. Our arguments no longer dominate our time together. The tension that occasionally forms from life’s stresses can be dealt with and relieved through our corrective interactions, instead of letting them rule our thoughts, words and deeds.We communicate more fully about how we are feeling and what we are thinking. There is both unconditional love and unconditional respect.

2) How?

“How” was it worth it? 

In any endeavor there is a cost. There is most often a cost in time, in effort and in reacting. If you wanted to sum up the three into one, it would be energy. You only get out of something, the level of energy that you put into it, wouldn’t you agree? And while the initial outlay of this energy was substantial for Henry and I to change our marital dynamic, and encompassing a great deal of our mandatory and discretionary energy expenditures,  I believe that we have reaped benefits to a exponential degree. You might say that we sustained a profit that exceeded our outlay. I do hope there isn’t a capitol gains tax on that.

3)) What has changed for the better and why?

 The most significant change has been in the way that Henry and I communicate with one another. Without communication it is very difficult to interact with another person, let alone live with them in close quarters, lol! We argue less, like I said. The reason for this is partly the communication skills that we are acquiring, partly our rules, such as speaking respectfully and attending to the emotional needs of the other and partly because we no longer wrestle  each other for control of our relationship. 

That last one encompasses a great many aspects of our life together, and our life story is not ready to be written (quite yet, lol) but let me tell you what that entails in general,

1)sex

2)our physical surroundings and how that is managed

3)how we spend time, money and energy

4)how we parent our children

5)discipline (self and our spouse)

6)interaction with the world outside of our abode and our marriage

7)our present and future plans

8)which way the toilet paper should exit the roll (you know, over the top or from the back)

Ok, that last one was silly, but so many of our previous arguments seem silly too.

Henry kindly read this prior to printing and the item in #1 was #5. I changed it.

In general, we now have structure that delegates control of these areas. This is still a work in progress, and is different for every couple. Many of these things are discussed and a consensus is made. Henry can override any decisions that we cannot come to agreement on, but thankfully we’ve been able avoid that necessity.

We did have one parenting issue when Henry and I could not agree on the best course of action.  He decided that we would do things his way.  As it turned out, his way was ineffective for the situation and we then moved on to my preferred course of action. The fact that this worked better did not indicate that I was a better parent and there wasn’t any bragging on my part or feelings of disappointment on Henry’s part. We just went to plan B as a parenting team.

4) Which of those benefits would apply if you were not turned on by spanking?

Quite honestly Strong Man, I do believe that those benefits could easily apply if Henry did not use spanking as a punishment, but rather used non-spanking punishments instead. Henry is actually beginning to intentionally incorporte *more* non-spanking discipline into our marriage. I hope to write more on this topic soon.

I know that there are plenty of Dd couples who do not use spanking as a punishment, but use discipline in other forms.  In the beginning of our Dd changes, Henry used a number of non-spanking punishments  because he was not yet comfortable with this part of our (then new) lifestyle.

When I first started reading her blog, God’s Gift to Him wrote that her husband did not use spanking as a disciplinary tool. When she wrote her last few posts however, they had decided to incorporate this aspect into their marriage. I don’t know anyone  in the Dd communitty who doesn’t use spanking as a disciplinary tool, or at least doesn’t plan to use it in the future.  “Birds of a feather” applies here I suppose. 

I welcome anyone who reads here who is a non-spanking Dd couple to offer my readers more on the subject. However, I do wish to stress that I am not open to a debate on the subject. So, if you want to offer a list of similarities and differences, that would be great. But if you’re going to offer criticism of our lifestyle, then I will likely not print your comment.

It ‘s been difficult for Henry and I to establish a disciplinary framework that is completely separate from sex at all times, because our initial use of spanking was for erotic adult playtime. I suppose we are creatures of habit, and we have more work to do in this area .  It’s hard to say what leads us astray, the reestablishment of good feelings, the re-balance of our D/s roles or the fact that spanking has always lead to pleasurable places in the past. We don’t stop to think about it, we just go with our feelings. Spanking doesn’t always lead us there, but it often does. 

I wanted to tell you that when I first read this last part of your comment;

“That would probably be worth another post, since you’re the one getting the sore bottom, many people wonder how it helps you.”

I kept wondering if you were saying more than the written.

But not hearing your tone or inflection, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t meant to be condescending.

My entire blog basically addresses the questions that you pose here. And if people are wondering how it helps me, they need only read a few posts. But then again, maybe you were looking for a more concise answer.

At times I am curious about your own interest here Strong Man. Are you for or against such a lifestyle? Do you ask because you’re unsettled about it in some way? Are you fearful that my writing about my lifestyle may have a negative impact on the “people” that you refer to?

If you are against my lifestyle choice, then why would you continue to read and comment here? This I wonder, and would be glad to print your answer.

I have always found your comments here respectful and I do hope that you will continue to visit,  but I am curious Strong  Man, you’re not trying to “save me” are you?

Thank you for your questions  and as always, you really get me thinking, and I greatly appreciate that!

Elysia