How Hard it was to Begin Dd

It’s nearing our two year Dd anniversary. It was about this time two years ago when something happened that shook Henry and I to our core. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that we both wondered what would happen if the other were suddenly not in our lives. Before this incident, I think that mostly we just thought about not being married, or what it would be like to live on our own.  How would all of that effect our kids, and would we ever find someone else to fill the void? It was scary to think about that, but we realized when the incident hit, that living without the other would be shocking and sad. We still loved one another, but we were having difficulty with living together day to day. When we had sex, it was really great. Being together that way, it was like the world did not exist, but each of us was unfulfilled  outside of the bedroom, in ways we did not know how to fix.

We found Dd on a Friday in early December. Henry was in need of a sexual connection with me, and he knew the key to entice me. After the kids were asleep, he went on the internet and looked for a spanking video  to show me. We watched together and it did the trick. We connected in more ways than one. Looking back, there was a feeling for me, that he finally understood that spanking is a  part of my sexuality. There was just no denying it. He must have thought : It is what it is, so go with the flow.   So, we had a fun night. The good feelings flowed between us, and we both awoke happy spanking campers. Before he left for work, Henry told me to find more videos that I like so we could connect again.  I did just that. And I was wandering around the internet when I ran right into Domestic Discipline and Taken In Hand.  I don’t remember what we did that next night, we may have rewatched the same video he had found b/c I never really found another that was quite as good.  But after I had found Taken In Hand and Finding Sara, I  read voraciously about these relationship dynamics for a few weeks. I am rarely obsessed with anything, but I became obsessed with my research.

Then one night, I shared it all with H.  I told him first about Taken In Hand, because that was the first website that I found. I showed him some of the articles, and he simply nodded. I found a post of Sara’s that had me so amazed that she could be writing about me  -  sans the ending, lol!  Ah-ha I thought, I can be fulfilled both sexually and relationally in my marriage. Hurray! At the time, I don’t believe that Henry was really aware of what an epiphany I was having when I discovered all of this. But he didn’t see the harm in trying it out and so he agreed.  We declared ourselves a Dd couple just before Christmas in 2009  and we soon found out that saying you are Dd is far different than really being in the throws of Dd. But we were on our way, and that was all that mattered at the time. We had a happy Christmas knowing that we were both in the marriage together, and that we had a clearer idea of what we both needed.

It soon became frustrating for me because I had read all of these things and I couldn’t seem to encapsulate it for H, so that he fully understood. I kept searching for one site that would give me everything on one page. It didn’t exist, but I didn’t know that at the time.

One of the articles on the Taken In Hand website was titled, “Acting as if…”. So the premise is, basically, if you want a Taken In Hand relationship, and I did, you just begin acting as if you are already in that kind of a relationship. If you are a woman, you begin to act in a submissive manner towards your spouse. If you are a man, you begin to act in a dominant manner. The idea is, that once you do this, your spouse will naturally respond by acting in the complementary manner. It’s a way to jump start this kind of relationship. I soon found out that the work does not end there. HO-Ho-NO! It does not end there! Patience, communication, perseverance, tears, anger, hurt feelings, more communication, pulling back, stopping Dd, going back to it, reading some more, sending e-mail, receiving e-mail, searching forums, reading blogs, meeting bloggers, more tears and on and on and on. And some of that is still going on, but there are less tears. No wait, there  ARE  tears, but they are for a different reason. (blush)

You see, it’s working now. Not perfectly. Just working.

But Henry did not really understand very well in the beginning. I had to “train the trainer”, as they say. How was I going to act submissive when I really wanted *him* to take charge? Did I have to be the dominant AND the submissive at the same time? It sounded impossible in the beginning. It seemed daunting, and I really didn’t ever know where to begin! There was no instruction book, there was no trainer for *me*. I needed guidance and I needed it soon. I wanted this, and I didn’t know how to get it.

But that has never stopped me before.

So I did a lot of research. I found a lot of information. And then I used my brain.

My brain said, “when all else fails, lower your standards”. huh? what?

I said,

“When all else fails, lower your standards.”

I knew what I wanted for H and I, and I wanted it all. I wanted it yesterday. I wanted all the bells and whistles and spankings that went along with Dd. I wanted more love, more respect, more good times, more sex, more clarity, more, more, more!

But you can’t be an Olympic swimmer until you learn to swim, right? So first you’ve got to get your feet wet. Then get the rest of you in. Learn to hold your breath, learn to tread water, learn to kick….. and on and on.

THIS was going to take time. It was going to take small steps. I was going to have to scratch some things off of my wish list for the time being, and just work on one or two things at a time.

I don’t think that it really matters exactly what steps we took. It will be different for everyone. You have to find your own steps. You can read about Dd every where and figure out what the best steps for you are going to be.

Some of my steps have included 1) learning to speak to Henry more respectfully, in words and tone,  2)asking him to spank or punish me at times, 3) learning to let him decide if something necessitated a spanking or other punishment 4) accepting when he felt punishment wasn’t necessary or warranted,and then accepting whatever the punishment was if he decided there would be one 5) learning to accept directions from him, and then to learn to obey his directives 6) putting my pride aside and trust him  7) learning to never undermine him, but I may question his parenting decisions in private. These are just some and they may help others to form their own.

But the thing is, that you can’t have the relationships that you read about on the blogs. Well, you will never have them exactly anyway. You’ll have your own version. But if you read  a blog about a couple who have been practicing Dd for a number of years, you are never going to be there until it’s so many years later anyway. And even then, your relationship will be different than their relationship  because you’re  just not the same people with the same issues or desires. You have different issues, different temperaments and you each need different things than each other and the next couple. But learning what you don’t want, is just as beneficial as learning what you do want.

So, I learned to accept where we were in our progress as we went along. I tried not to compare *us* to others. I sometimes stepped back from blogging and reading on websites and just tried to live Dd.  That’s when you really know if it’s what you want and need. Can you walk away for a while, and still be Dd? It’s interesting.

I have to tell you, the support that I’ve found because of  my blog is immeasurable, and invaluable to me.  I was so very grateful whenever another blogger pointed out our progress, and offered encouragement. It was the most comforting thing to have -when Dd  seemed *so* frustrating at times!

We are still working at it, after two years of working hard. I don’t anticipate it will ever get easy. I have heard from many people, vanilla and non-vanilla; Marriage is hard and life is hard and I now know, Dd is hard.

But it’s all so worth it. Just so very worth it.