About Newbies

I feel like Henry and I have passed the newbie stage. It felt like it was coming, but some things have happened and I’ve noticed things that seem to tell me this very thing. It feels pretty definitive.   But that’s not to say that we aren’t still learning and growing.   So what are we called  now? I don’t feel like  we could be called “long-timer” and we’re far from “experts”. I suppose we are still novices in some ways, but I feel like there should be a name for this stage. Toddlerhood sounds so juvenile, but that’s kind of what it feels like, at least in some regard. Like we still fall down while we’re learning to walk, but our bearings are pretty good and we aren’t crawling anymore.  Maybe Hermoine might suggest we are Third Years – like in Harry Potter?  I don’t really need a name, but it’s more the stage that we’re at that I’m trying to figure out. Maybe that might help in some way, to figure out our growing pains and move onward. (dunno)

It’s nice in some ways to hit milestones. I love to see my kids grow and change, but at the same time I become sentimental and even a little sad, especially when it’s my youngest child who hits one of those.

Kay Lynn  (An Externally Motivated Wife) wrote in a recent post about her son Ben  leaving the nest: Wrap Me in Yellow Caution Ribbon.   That kind of thing touches my heart.   I have all of my babies at home right now, but it won’t be long before I experience that same feeling of being happy and proud, coupled with sadness and sentimentality that they are really  flying the coop, even if he may fly home again soon after that. And I  feel this way too about not being a newbie any more. Maybe that’s silly. I don’t know why I feel that way.  Maybe it’s you Milly.

You see, Milly and her husband are just beginning Dd. She’s left some very nice comments and we’ve exchanged some e-mail. She’s asked me for advice, and while I don’t know in what way exactly that’s helped her, it kind of floors me that *I* am the one giving advice rather than seeking it.

Two years ago, H and I took the step to change our marriage and embrace Dd to guide us to some new ways of interacting and understanding one another. Not long after we took that step together,  I also began my blog.

Many blogs are written as journals or how to guides. I thought of mine as a little bit of both. I knew that there wasn’t enough information for folks who wanted to learn Dd (yes, there’s LOTS of great information but there’s never enough when you’re learning-lol, right Milly?), and I hoped that one day my blog might help some of them. I tried to chronicle the steps as best as I could, so that others could relate and discover what they might have to work through if they took that step themselves. I thought, if they could relate to H and I, and how we worked through some of our Dd difficulties, that might help them in some way.

There are other blogs that do it better than I, but I like to think that BDP is a good addition to that wonderful stock. As Sara  at Finding Sara says, “Dd ain’t for sissies”. And with the Superbowl fast approaching, it occurred to me that getting ready to tackle something like a big change to your marriage, is maybe like those football players who are getting themselves primed and pumped for the big game. You can’t be a sissie if you want to tackle the issues that a married couple needs to tackle either. And *practices* and *learning plays* are going to be really important to The Big Game. Of course, everyone’s struggles will be different, and they may even come in a completely different order, but if blogs can give them some idea of what to expect, and maybe offer encouragement and optimism that those changes will eventually come their way, AND if they understand just what kind of hard work is involved, then this is a positive thing that we bloggers have contributed to society. Isn’t it?

So, for Milly and her husband, who are just starting out (and any readers like them) plus anyone who is contemplating beginning Dd soon, I wanted to offer some advice that I always kept in mind in the beginning of Dd and blogging. I would like to invite my regular readers to offer up *their own advice* to anyone beginning such a big change- just leave yours in a comment. I know that Milly and her husband are very hungry for advice, and Milly tells me that she’s thinking of starting her own blog. I know that everyone here would welcome her with open arms to this blogging communitty.

Advice for Newbies (see comments also)

1) Embrace Newbie Status – It’s good to be a newbie. We’ve all been there and can understand your trepidation, as well as your anxiousness and  fear of making mistakes. But *do* enjoy *not knowing* everything. It will keep you open minded enough to ask questions and discover new possibilities. *You don’t know what you don’t know*, so try to get comfortable asking. Finding a good mentor might help, and there is no shortage of bloggers willing to lend a helping hand. Simply ask, or keep in touch.

2) Don’t Rush -This *really* should *never* feel like an Olympic swim. Please don’t try to rush things along.  It takes time for adjustments. Your partner may in fact *not move along* as quickly as you do, and you may then need to wait for them to catch up with you. This can feel very strange if you are the one supposed to be following your HOH. But you can probably see, now that I said that, that you will always be out in front if you don’t wait for him, right? If he goes ahead, let him, but when he starts to lag, don’t get too discouraged. We’ve all had to do this for some time in the beginning, and it’s par for the course. I can’t speak for the flip side of this scenario, but I would guess that HOH’s like Mick and Kevan need to wait at times too. So they might gently push or pull and then do some waiting themselves. Maybe they will clarify or correct me in the comments. Everyone needs to get used to their roles, and that just takes time.

I think it’s a matter of trying to walk side-by-side as you hold hands. You can only get so far ahead before you’re dragging your partner with you.  You want to make sure that you’re still together and not more than an arm’s length away- or is that two arm’s lengths?. And it doesn’t hurt to stop every once in a while and dance a bit as you go. That will make it kind of fun.

3) Have Fun!- I hope that even as you struggle and work at Dd, that you remember to stop and smell the roses. I recall both of us being really floored at how our intimate moments were turned up several notches.  We had a rendezvous every chance we could get. To quote one of my commenters, Andrew, “we felt like teenagers”. (Hey Andrew, do you still read here? How’s everything at your house?) This is why you’re doing Dd. Savor the moment! Revel in it! Bathe in the happiness and good times like you were in a hot tub! And then come to a blog and share your good fortune! We love to hear it! Better yet, start your own blog (for free!) and join the gang here! How to start a blog.

4) Have Patience- When you read about the adventures of other bloggers, it’s easy to get caught up in the *When Harry Met Sally trap*. When Sally is finished moaning her fake O for Harry, there is a middle aged lady also in the diner who says to her waitress: “I’ll have what *she’s* having”? We all want that! lol Well, try really hard to have your own unique journey instead. It may resemble another’s for a while, that’s OK, but the grass over on their blog might not be the best variety to grow in your own, you know?

5) Step Back from Blogging – This follows #3 pretty closely. If you find yourself getting upset or envious , or even frustrated that your Dd adventure is not going the way that you thought it would, take a step back from blogging, but keep your focus on all that you’ve learned and are trying to create for your marriage.

Practice what you’ve learned, and remember to focus on your significant other (S.O.) as well as your dominance or submission. I found that when I did this myself (and I still do it occasionally) that I felt more calm, more focused and better able to be the submissive partner that my husband wants and needs and that I wanted to be *for* him. I was also more in tune with the things that he *was* doing for me and for our marriage, instead of noticing that he didn’t happen to do what Jane Doe’s husband was doing at the time.

If you’re spending a lot of energy on procuring something to blog about, then maybe you need a new perspective.

Ask yourself,

*Do we practice Dd so that I can brag about it on my blog?* (not that we don’t all brag, we do! It just shouldn’t be driving you forward IMO.)

*Is what I’m doing in my real life enhancing our marriage ?*

*Am I giving my partner the things that he expects of me, or am I more focused on what my blog friends think of me, my HOH and our marriage?*

*If something is right for “Jane” and “John Doe”, is it really right for *us*?”*

*Are all of the changes that we’re making in-line with our core values as people and as  loving partners?*

*Am I a part of the plan, or part of the problem?*

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Prologue

If I left this post in my drafts for a while, I may be able to come up with some others. But I’ll let my readers add some of their own. And *do* say hello to Milly and her husband as I know she is very anxious to meet all of you too!

Happy Blogoversary to BDP

That’s my blog. Blissful Dwelling Place- BDP for short.

I was doing housework, and thinking about a blog post that I’ve been working on for a few days now. I want to say that everything is blissful here, but quite honestly, I can’t do that.  But while I was thinking about our difficulties and that post,  I had a different thought.  I glanced at the calender and remembered that January 24th is my blog’s anniversary.

I just had to write a post and document this special occasion, as my blog is now two years old.

However, things are not blissful between Henry and I.  They aren’t horrible either, so don’t worry.  I’m not really ready to share our difficulties yet, we’re working things out in private. It’s really big things too, so eventually you will hear about some of it.  It’s very  emotional things, and not ready for Primetime.

Changes have been made to our marriage since we began Dd about 2 months before I began this blog.  I created this blog to document our progress in Domestic Discipline, and we *are* progressing.  I just won’t post our struggles until we find a way to work out any difficulties that we’re having.  I know that all of you would love to help us, and would likely have some great suggestions. But this is big stuff, that Henry and I need to work out ourselves.

We think that there are some things between us that were just never addressed. Maybe we thought that they were, but certainly they’ve come back to haunt us.

We seem to have done this a lot since we began Dd. We have some real difficulties, we pull back, we talk about it and ask each other if Dd is the answer and each and every time, each of us answers  a resounding – yes!

(Why do we even ask the question, I wonder?)

The positive things that this lifestyle have brought to our marriage have been invaluable. We cherish our interactions now, instead of avoid them. We are happier people, and a happier couple in so many ways. We just have some things to work out – that we don’t even understand ourselves just yet.

Talking and more talking is the cure no doubt. I guess there can never be enough talking by the partners in a marriage. I’ve said over and over on BDP, Dd isn’t easy, but both Henry and I think that it’s worth the effort. We are doing just that, putting in the effort.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.  Thanks for your readership, your support, the lovely comments and your friendship!

I never thought that I would love blogging as much as I too. BDP has become an important part of me and a very important support for our marriage.

 

Dear Strong Man

I hope you don’t think that I forgot about you.

In the comments section of my post  How Hard it was to Learn Dd, Strong Man wrote the following comment;

Isn’t that true with so many things in life? It takes time, persistence and practice.

I appreciate your concluding comment: “It is so worth it.” Could you expand on that? How? What has changed for the better and why? Which of those benefits would apply if you were not turned on by spanking? That would probably be worth another post, since you’re the one getting the sore bottom, many people wonder how it helps you.

It will be my pleasure to answer you now Strong Man. My apologies for the delay.

1) “It is so worth it” (expanded version)

“It”, meaning the hard work, the patience and the sacrifices that Henry and I made to establish the changes necessary for our Dd lifestyle. I knew in the beginning that there would be challenges and difficulties ahead. This, I was able to ascertain  from reading  Dd  blogs, as well as many posts on TIH and a Dd forum.

I’ve written about our journey to some extent on my blog, but I can’t say that I wrote about every incident or fully conveyed the sometimes very emotional angst, as I am not very good at public complaining. Oft times, I kept my pity party to myself or wrote in e-mail to sympathetic and supportive friends.  But if you read around the blogs, you will learn how difficult it can be to communicate your needs as either a submissive wife or a dominant husband to someone who is not quite as well read on the subject, by someone,  I mean your significant other. 

There is a blissfulness about my relationship with my husband now. We are more in tune with one another. We understand each other in new and exciting ways. Our love feels deeper and more committed compared to pre- Dd. Our arguments no longer dominate our time together. The tension that occasionally forms from life’s stresses can be dealt with and relieved through our corrective interactions, instead of letting them rule our thoughts, words and deeds.We communicate more fully about how we are feeling and what we are thinking. There is both unconditional love and unconditional respect.

2) How?

“How” was it worth it? 

In any endeavor there is a cost. There is most often a cost in time, in effort and in reacting. If you wanted to sum up the three into one, it would be energy. You only get out of something, the level of energy that you put into it, wouldn’t you agree? And while the initial outlay of this energy was substantial for Henry and I to change our marital dynamic, and encompassing a great deal of our mandatory and discretionary energy expenditures,  I believe that we have reaped benefits to a exponential degree. You might say that we sustained a profit that exceeded our outlay. I do hope there isn’t a capitol gains tax on that.

3)) What has changed for the better and why?

 The most significant change has been in the way that Henry and I communicate with one another. Without communication it is very difficult to interact with another person, let alone live with them in close quarters, lol! We argue less, like I said. The reason for this is partly the communication skills that we are acquiring, partly our rules, such as speaking respectfully and attending to the emotional needs of the other and partly because we no longer wrestle  each other for control of our relationship. 

That last one encompasses a great many aspects of our life together, and our life story is not ready to be written (quite yet, lol) but let me tell you what that entails in general,

1)sex

2)our physical surroundings and how that is managed

3)how we spend time, money and energy

4)how we parent our children

5)discipline (self and our spouse)

6)interaction with the world outside of our abode and our marriage

7)our present and future plans

8)which way the toilet paper should exit the roll (you know, over the top or from the back)

Ok, that last one was silly, but so many of our previous arguments seem silly too.

Henry kindly read this prior to printing and the item in #1 was #5. I changed it.

In general, we now have structure that delegates control of these areas. This is still a work in progress, and is different for every couple. Many of these things are discussed and a consensus is made. Henry can override any decisions that we cannot come to agreement on, but thankfully we’ve been able avoid that necessity.

We did have one parenting issue when Henry and I could not agree on the best course of action.  He decided that we would do things his way.  As it turned out, his way was ineffective for the situation and we then moved on to my preferred course of action. The fact that this worked better did not indicate that I was a better parent and there wasn’t any bragging on my part or feelings of disappointment on Henry’s part. We just went to plan B as a parenting team.

4) Which of those benefits would apply if you were not turned on by spanking?

Quite honestly Strong Man, I do believe that those benefits could easily apply if Henry did not use spanking as a punishment, but rather used non-spanking punishments instead. Henry is actually beginning to intentionally incorporte *more* non-spanking discipline into our marriage. I hope to write more on this topic soon.

I know that there are plenty of Dd couples who do not use spanking as a punishment, but use discipline in other forms.  In the beginning of our Dd changes, Henry used a number of non-spanking punishments  because he was not yet comfortable with this part of our (then new) lifestyle.

When I first started reading her blog, God’s Gift to Him wrote that her husband did not use spanking as a disciplinary tool. When she wrote her last few posts however, they had decided to incorporate this aspect into their marriage. I don’t know anyone  in the Dd communitty who doesn’t use spanking as a disciplinary tool, or at least doesn’t plan to use it in the future.  “Birds of a feather” applies here I suppose. 

I welcome anyone who reads here who is a non-spanking Dd couple to offer my readers more on the subject. However, I do wish to stress that I am not open to a debate on the subject. So, if you want to offer a list of similarities and differences, that would be great. But if you’re going to offer criticism of our lifestyle, then I will likely not print your comment.

It ‘s been difficult for Henry and I to establish a disciplinary framework that is completely separate from sex at all times, because our initial use of spanking was for erotic adult playtime. I suppose we are creatures of habit, and we have more work to do in this area .  It’s hard to say what leads us astray, the reestablishment of good feelings, the re-balance of our D/s roles or the fact that spanking has always lead to pleasurable places in the past. We don’t stop to think about it, we just go with our feelings. Spanking doesn’t always lead us there, but it often does. 

I wanted to tell you that when I first read this last part of your comment;

“That would probably be worth another post, since you’re the one getting the sore bottom, many people wonder how it helps you.”

I kept wondering if you were saying more than the written.

But not hearing your tone or inflection, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t meant to be condescending.

My entire blog basically addresses the questions that you pose here. And if people are wondering how it helps me, they need only read a few posts. But then again, maybe you were looking for a more concise answer.

At times I am curious about your own interest here Strong Man. Are you for or against such a lifestyle? Do you ask because you’re unsettled about it in some way? Are you fearful that my writing about my lifestyle may have a negative impact on the “people” that you refer to?

If you are against my lifestyle choice, then why would you continue to read and comment here? This I wonder, and would be glad to print your answer.

I have always found your comments here respectful and I do hope that you will continue to visit,  but I am curious Strong  Man, you’re not trying to “save me” are you?

Thank you for your questions  and as always, you really get me thinking, and I greatly appreciate that!

Elysia

Anger, Tears and Fantasy

This holiday season has been very difficult for Henry and I. So many arguments. Both of us retreating to safer ground. Pulling back from the other to save our own feelings or just needing to be alone. There is so much that has happened and writing it all out is no longer possible.  I don’t just post my problems,  I try to work them through and then post the dilemma in it’s entirety with the resolution at the end. I certainly didn’t want to rain on anyone’s holiday parade, and so I kept my problems to myself and shared with a few close friends. Now the details are far too numerous to share, and I am left with only an overview to share. But there are some current details that I believe will make up for it.

It’s difficult to encapsulate the last few months, but I’ll try.

The tension had been building for quite a while. Things happen in life that you don’t have control over. You need to accept and try to move on.  It’s frustrating when there are a series of things, and you begin to feel very off. The accumulation of personal “hits” can chip away at your sense of self worth. It can happen to either of us, but we each took a hit recently.  We can take care of ourselves,  H and I. And we’ve always been good about being there for the other. But when it’s first me and then him and lots of smaller things in between, you don’t always have each others back, because you’re too busy trying to scrape yourself off the ground.

First it was me. And Henry was strong for me. I’ll never be over it, but he’s my rock when I need him. Time and time again. And then it was him. And I am fine when he needs his space. Needs his recovery time.  Needs me to take over. But this time was very different. After talking with Kevan, it seems clearer now that Henry needed to pull away from taking the lead, but at the same time he couldn’t. I’m guessing that since we have been doing this for some time now, and that Dd is now our normal he was  not able to pull *all the way* out of it. He felt that the lead was his responsibility, but at the same time he was not able to completely fulfill his role. I see now that it is more ingrained in him that I realized.  It is part of “who he is” now. Hearing Kevan explain the male perspective helped me to sort this out.

Henry and I have had numerous discussions about whether we could go back to how it was before Dd, or if we’d even *want* to go back to how we were before. And the discussion always ends the same. We couldn’t and we don’t want to. It’s not that everything is easy now.  It’s not that we don’t argue any more. Although we can work through an argument much more easily.  It’s not that we don’t have more room to grown and more things to learn but we *are* truly comfortable, and the benefits would be lost if we went back, and we’d never give those away-either one of us.  Besides the fact that there is just nothing positive to *go back to*.

So this rift felt huge to me, but it also felt odd to Henry. He would pull back, and as soon as I stepped up to take the helm he suddenly felt upstaged and sent verbal messages that I was overstepping our preset boundaries. I *never* over step big boundaries like these unless he needs me to, or asks me too. This time, I simply had no choice. With a house full of active boys and the holidays surrounding us, it was not an option to leave our ship unmanned or unwomaned.

It’s so clear to me now, that every time I acted, he would tell me that he was in charge. And sometimes he did this rather subtly. He just was not as strong emotionally as he usually is. There was no power and action behind those words. He would let things slide, and I scooped it all up and did what had to be done. I’m a doer, and if it needed to be done, it got done. So how could he be telling me to back off when he was in no shape to take over? I became irritated at times, but I kept plugging away at what needed to be done. I listened to him vent. I offered him support. If he needed me to give him space, I gave it. I did more than my usual share around the house, and that’s a lot of extra around the holidays.  I didn’t complain too much, but at times I had to ask for help. *That* went very badly a few times.  I soon learned that he was not capable of persevering, and I scoffed when he verbalized his warnings at me.  This was not my usual self, and I realize now that I couldn’t be without H’s usual self. I could handle it if he let me, but he wasn’t letting me. I can see now that his job as HOH meant a lot to him, and that he must have had mixed feelings seeing me take charge like that.

Today Henry put the power back into his words. He took charge again. I don’t know that a spanking has ever been promised so long. I know for sure that this one really packed a punch like no other.

I know that you’d love to hear it, so here goes.

We always have opportunities for spanking. Whether or not H uses that opportunity is up to him. I never point it out. The spanking is his to decide, and his to carry out. I am just a willing participant.

So last night we had a little argument. I don’t recall what it was, but it was clearly built on the argument’s predecessor’s arguments and those built on the previous arguments account.  I was on my laptop trying to catch up on blogs and he let me know that we would have our day of reckoning come sun rise and kids off to school.

There’s something about a long length of time that gets you thinking about it, and then you dismiss it because you’re not so sure it’s really going to happen. There’s a short term track record that is difficult to dispute. But as the hour drew closer, I was starting to wish it were already over.  I can tell when H wants to be playful and I know when he’s completely serious. Can I say that he was playful serious and a bit angry? Yes, I know. It’s a very mixed signal. It makes you wonder and worry just a little.

He told me how I was to prepare myself, and he told me to shower and meet him in the bedroom. I did as I was told, and arrived to find 3 implements laid out on the bed. My eyes grew as big as saucers I’m sure and I approached him in the bathroom where he was shaving. I’m actually a rather quiet person at home. I know I’m chatty here, and I’m chatting in certain social situations, but at home I’m rather quiet. I just stood next to him until he saw me. I had questioning eyes.  He looked at me, and then turned back to the mirror and said, “I plan on using all of them too. You need a *really* strong reset.”

Honestly, I don’t do implements well. I know, I know. What kind of spanko doesn’t do implements well? I guess I’m just sensitive. Plus I hadn’t been spanked in almost two weeks,  I was an emotional mess and  I know he’s angry with me about some things. Henry gives the quickest warm-up this side of the Rio Grande and I can take the leather, but the wood and the ping pong paddle send me squealing and squirming. Seriously. So going in, I was more anxious than usual.

I asked what I should wear, and he told me anything that I liked. I went casual. Hiding the pretty blue lacy boycuts that I’d bought him for Christmas underneath my capris and a sweatshirt. I had all my bases covered. But knowing H, he would uncover them.

This man did a really hard warm-up and the things he said had me clawing at the bedcovers. I know he said a few things like;  “This will be the one that you’ve always wanted.”  “This will be one to remember” and also, “You’re going to feel this *still* on Friday”. Gives a girl warm and fuzzy feelings- Not!

The ping pong paddle came first. Since it’s light, he spanked fast and hard with it. I do believe that I hate that thing now. It made me cry and cry and cry. It was during this section that I was the most tender, both physically and mentally. We had our most honest moments in the conversation then. It was probably the best thing that’s happened to us for quite some time, because neither of us held back our feelings or acted with any pretense.  Sometimes it just needs to be raw and real, and it was.

There was a bit of relief on my part when he changed to the leather, but he used his hand in between because I complained about the length of the warm-up (what’s smaller than a millimeter?) and I may have called the ping pong paddle a very bad name. (tsk tsk)

But we had more conversation while he used the leather rather firmly. I don’t remember it all, but I do remember explaining to him that “Yes, I’m a spanko. But it’s a misconception that we “like” to be spanked. We know we need it. But it is not a “like” kind of thing.” For some reason, he spanked harder anyway despite my protestations about the level of pain I was experiencing. Let’s call it an 8 on a scale of 1-10. I fussed and I struggled. I moved, threw my hand back, had it pinned and shed a few more tears. Later he said that *he liked* my struggle. (glad he waited until later on that one)

When he took a break, I  asked to change out of my sweatshirt because I was so intensely hot. I did, and was hoping that maybe we were done. Nope.

Once I’d changed to a lighter layer, I was invited back over his lap. No, that’s not right. I think it was more like, “Get back over here *now*.”

Back over one knee, and more hand spanking. Then he reached for the wood. Now you know folks that Woody and I have a history. I thought for a long time that Woody *was* history. But he’s back and he’s here to stay. Woody was my Valentine’s Day present almost two years ago. But I wish I’d ask for roses. Oh sure, the roses would be gone by now, but Woody would have never arrived, would he?

My H is rather soft hearted when he spanks me. He will give me plenty, but he never goes overboard. Well, there was nothing holding this man back today.  Woody and I had a board meeting, but I was underboard so of course Henry went overboard.  Several things were straightened  out, points were given and points were taken.  It was far from boring and very lively.  Mid-meeting Henry moved me over both of his knees, and made sure that all areas of importance were covered.  *I* of course was *uncovered*. But that’s how Henry does things in our Blissful Dwelling Place.

He still wasn’t done, and he added more admonishments and hand spanks. When I was finally let up, I was in a very apologetic mood and H had more instructions for me. I was happy to tell him that I was sorry for all of the difficulty between us, and I promised things would be better.  He said that ‘he knew they wood’  and he put away the implements. He sent me to see the pretty color that he added on my end, and indeed he chose a color that will withstand the next trend. I admired then, and again several times through out the day. It was deeper than usual, and a very flattering color for me. I smiled at him then, and again several times throughout the day.

You might think that is the end. Well, let’s skip ahead to mid- adult playtime. After lots of  “making up” let’s call it,  I needed more spanking, if you can believe it. But this time for a different reason.  Usually I don’t share this part of our lives, and I’m not really starting now. At these times I can tell Henry what I’d like, and he will accommodate my requests. I just want to share here that I got very brave.  I was so close to being blissful, but just not quite there. It has been my own fault on many occasions. And this was one. I’ve been having a fantasy for almost two years, but it is derived from events that have plagued me most of my life. I say plagued because I have had difficulty reconciling my mixed feelings about it. Sometimes you know that things aren’t right. You have no control of those things, and yet you harbor guilt for some reason. I could never get past this part of my need and of my past. I had the fantasy, I used the fantasy but I also had the guilt. So I never shared it with H.

Today was different. H acted outside of the box in a few different ways that will remain private. But that in turn helped me to open up to him and share with honesty this fantasy.  To my surprise and delight, he grasped it right away, and away we flew! I can’t tell you what cloud I am on right now, but the view is the nicest that I’ve seen in months.

Jazzy Christmas Greetings

I love this song and wanted to share it with all of my readers. It’s very upbeat and really lifts my spirits. I hope it does the same for you!

Wishing all

A very Merry Holiday Season! 

Second Dd-iversary Today

Today is our Dd-iversary. I do love to celebrate milestones!

When I asked Henry to try Dd with me two years ago today, he was a willing participant. I had read a lot of information on-line but looking back to that day, I really don’t think he knew what he was getting into. After a few months, he was thankful that our relationship was improving though. Neither of us, at the time we decided to try, really saw any other option to improve our marriage. But, I did wonder to myself, if in the back of his head, he thought: “This won’t last, but maybe we will be better off anyway.”
I, for one, was quite sure that Dd was going to be our Golden Ticket to Blissville. I actually don’t recall being more sure of anything in my life. We are both glad that I keep asking and sharing information. It’s just plain tough to get started. It really is. Now that Henry “gets it”, we are *never* going back. We decided this last night.

Finding Dd made a lightbulb go off in my head. I could see that H and I were practically living a Dd lifestyle already, at least in many ways. We had a D/s dynamic which was what I think we were both looking for in a marital relationship when we were dating. We were also friends and we fell together naturally as far as rhythm and character. But after the kids came along, things got so dicey between us at times, that we stopped functioning together well. We were living separate lives and almost staying out of the other one’s way. We really needed some help in fixing that or we were going to quit being married all together. Dd helped us understand ourselves better and to understand what each of us needed from our marriage.

If you’ve read my blog from the beginning then you understand where H and I are now with Dd. The main focus of this blog is Dd, and not our private lives. Blissful Dwelling Place was created to document our progress as we were learning Dd and to share with others for their benefit. So, I thought I would list some things that we have learned over the past two years.

I also noted at end that there are a few things that *we don’t do* too. I really think that when learning Domestic discipline, it is just as important to figure out what you *don’t want*, as it is to figure out what you *do want*.

We’ve learned that

1) We both have to be fully committed to Dd in order for it to work well

2) We need to learn *our own* roles and not try to do the others job (meaning HOH/submissive wife) or tell them how to do it.

3) We need to let our spouse go at their own pace in regard to learning and taking action. We both need patience and understanding as our significant other figures things out – before we press onward. *Change* is difficult, and first needs to happen in our mind b4 we can actually take action.

4) We should enjoy the journey and look out for each other rather than press forward with disregard for the others place in their progress.

5) The community here in Blogland is *the best*, and that support and understanding is key to feeling capable as well as confident to overcome obstacles to our progress. If you’re considering Dd and you feel that you need support – do join us!

6) We need to understand that we will make mistakes, but we can apologize and forgive. Moving ahead with integrity is paramount. We must always assess how our actions will effect our spouse and do our best to not take actions that don’t consider the best interest of our partner.

7) It is not solely about filling *our own* needs, but more that we allow our partner to search for what *we* need and set about filling our needs on their own. For this you need to stand back and try not to control those kinds of actions. Sometimes that means waiting until they notice our need, or respectfully bringing it to their attention in a non-critical way. *This*, done with practice makes Dd work as a cog wheel, and that in turn provides power to the dynamic. Remember to thank them and give them positive feedback. This becomes a rhythm with time and practice, and it is only needed in the beginning. H and I can “read” each other in this way, for the most part.

8) Punishment spankings hurt, but for some of us, we wouldn’t have it any other way. They hurt in emotional, as well as physical ways. For us, they are to be avoided, not sought out or bratted for. We “go there” because we need to, not because “we have to”. They change us in real ways. They make us a better couple. The hurt that happens when we don’t, is far greater than what we go through in the process. The process gets us on track to resolution. We’ve resolved a lot since we adopted this practice into our marriage. But it’s been hard work from both of us.

9) Henry and I need to have a disciplinary framework in place.

10) We both need Maintenance on a regular basis to feel that our disciplinary framework is in tact and strong for each of us.

11) Elysia needs Maintenance in a personal regard -to feel Henry’s authority and remind her that he will remain strong and supportive for her, despite the fact that she can be her own worst enemy. This *need* is over and above the need for Maintenance in our marriage.

12) We still find spanking a very sexy pastime. They happen way more than I write about.

13) Communication is a really important ingredient in marriage. While communications have improved ten fold, Henry and Elysia need to find ways to improve in this area. Being on the same page with Dd really helps- a Lot!

14) We strive for positive interactions, not drama and discord. At times it can’t be helped, but it is not our goal. Our home is much more peaceful, our relationship much more sound, open and loving. We have truly made it a more blissful place to be.

Things we don’t do;
1) Henry does not treat me like a child, nor does he speak to me like a child.
2) Henry never punishes me physically except for a spanking to my bottom.
3) Henry will never speak Dd in front of our children or anyone, even if they are also Dd. This is a matter of respecting me. Punishment or any show of his authority over me is a private matter between the two of us.
4)We do not manipulate each other. We use direct language to communicate our needs.
5) We don’t put each other down or speak in a condescending tone with the other.
6) We don’t yell at one another.
7) Neither of us will show disrespect towards the other.
8) Misunderstandings and mistakes are *not* punishable offenses. Sometimes I need we don’t always agree here. Henry decides.
9) We don’t speak in a condescending manner about each other – *to* others.
10) When one of us is parenting, our spouse does not intervene unless invited to do so. Even though Henry is the head of the house, he knows that undermining *me* is just as detrimental as if I did it to him.

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Tonight we will have a celebratory spanking! You know, the fun kind!- Well, I thoughts so until last night.
You see, he called me upstairs yesterday to talk. I was sure it was a Christmas secret of some king. But no……

He says to me, “Two things, #1 you did not ________ like you are supposed to all of the time. And #2, you set me up for disappointment when you said you would _________ and then you didn’t. You get upset with me if I promise you a spanking and I don’t deliver. Don’t you? Well, I’m making a promise….”

It is promised for tonight. I don’t know what to wear!

The Best Things in Life are Free

Smiles
Hugs
Spankings
Friendship
Love

Come Skate with Me!

Holiday Spirit

I’m going to put up a new post after this one, and it will be more in the keeping of the season.

I do tend to be dramatic, and I gladly accept emotions as they come to me. I often share them when I feel the trust and love. I definitely feel that here.

So, I apologize for my somber mood of late. And I hope that you are all finding the joy and feelings of rebirth that should be attached to this time of year.

I realize that it can also bring about sadness and regret, and a longing for Christmases past.

I feel the same and empathize greatly for those who find those feelings so overwhelming at times.

 

I am a huge fan of Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol.  And you can read more about the ghost of Christmas past here.

 

And God bless us! Everyone!

Caring

Sometimes I don’t care. But it’s rare. Mostly I care too much. I put my whole self into things, people, relationships. And at times I’ve taken my husband with me, quite literally.

He knows how much I care, and when I fall, I fall hard. He’s never stopped me before, because he never felt that he had the right to stop me.

Right now  he sees my caring as destructive to me, because he does not know what I know, and he does not have the same intuition that I have, nor has he had the same experiences I have had, so his view is different.

He bases his thought process on the tangible. You know, what he sees and knows from his own experience. It’s not the same as mine.

I can only offer my own opinion, and feelings, but he makes the decision. I wish I could explain further, but it would mean disobedience. And a promise is a promise.

He often has doubts, and sometimes he has been right. It doesn’t mean that he is right this time.

I cannot change his mind on this. It doesn’t mean not ever…. It just means he needs to know for sure so that my heart is not broken to pieces.

He loves me.

There is one thing. One thing that will change everything. This one small thing will help us get past this impasse. I soooo want to do that. Get past this, that is.

I know that an intelligent person can figure this out. I wish I were one.